Divorce

 Took a break for 2 years to start healing from life in 2023. Life was not kind to my family and I in 2023. 

At the end of 2022 I ended my marriage by filing for divorce due to the constant drug use and realized I can no longer be in that situation as I want my babies to be raised with a happy mom. I realized i no longer had the fight in me to continue watching him struggle with being a dad, a husband or just staying on drugs. 

The minute I walked away I knew I would not look back or regret my choice as it was not what was best for my babies. November 18th the morning after he got arrested for the last time I got my car from the tow yard and walked into the courthouse to file. SO many chances, so many tears and sleepless nights worrying if that was going to be the night he OD'd and my babies would no longer have their dad in their lives. 

It was also the first day i felt a weight being lifted off my chest that he was no longer going to be my issue anymore. I Started becoming happy again. Hanging out with my friends and just over all felt like i could finally breath again. I remember looking at my boys who were 6 and 4 at the time and telling them "Sometimes a parent has to do what is best for their babies and right now being with your dad is not what is best he needs to get some help and maybe one day when he is better he will be the dad you need and not just the dad you want!" 

The first few months were brutal. Between taking on solo parenting, losing my cousin, my grandpa being hospitalized and my daughter having a few seizures. I felt like I could never be the mom they needed me to be unless I gave them what they wanted which is their dad. Their dad was in jail, so we allowed daily phone calls. He helped me navigate my cousin's death and still helped me handle the boys when they were out of line. but more of a coparent relationship. I thought we could be great coparents. 

He got out in February 2023 and was doing well. We were separated and I made it very clear the marriage was completely over. IF I had to work, he would come and help with the kids. I was fine with it as I needed to maintain my job. Then when I had to bartend, he would stay the night with the kids as he didn't have a place for them to go. Money started going missing my car was taken in the middle of the night after I worked all day literally 8 am to 2 am between the Credit Union and then bartending. 

April 25th, 2023, the divorce date. I remember sitting across from him just crying because I was so angry at him for not getting clean for the kids and I. He looked me dead in the face and said, " I don't know why you're crying you wanted this!" I was so mad and snapped back at him " NO, what I wanted it the guy I met in high school who I fell in love with and didn't choose meth and other drugs of his wife and kids." he replied with " that's your story tell it how you want!" 

I walked out of the courthouse got in my car and cried for what felt like hours. But then realized I was free I didn't have to let him hold me back from being happy anymore. I still let him be in the kid's life when he wanted never kept them from him even though I should have not allowed him over as much. His friends started showing up at my house again and I was not happy at all. He started using again and started threatening me in front of the kids when I would tell him to leave my house. I was not totally innocent, but I was switching between anxiety meds to help me cope with everything. The final straw for me was the comment to my 5 y/o at the time "tell your mom goodbye!" my 5 y/o walked into the room and said " bye mom" I asked my 5 y/o why he was telling me bye and he had no idea. I looked at my 5 y/o so sweet and so innocent and said " ask your dad why you're telling me goodbye" thinking there is no way he is going to tell him what he means by that. Boy, was I wrong I heard him yell " your mom is going to die a fun, slow painful death!" I knew right then and there I couldn't let him around the kids till he got the proper help he needed. Someone else had heard what was going on and called the cops. 

I remember my kids standing in the front window watching him be arrested and crying. I took them away from the window and we sat down and talked. I just explained that their dad needs more help than what we can offer him at this time. They understood completely that he was going to jail as this was not new territory for them. Unfortunately, due to him saying it our son it costed him contact with the kids as the no contact with the kids was put in place immediately. 

It has now been 18 months of a no contact order and there are still days where my babies struggle without him. They have been in therapy for 18ish months to work through the rage and angry aimed towards me as they think it's my fault and that's okay. I also am back in therapy as there are things I still struggle with and blame myself for every day. There are still somethings I cannot talk about at this time as it still is an active court case but in time I will to help my healing journey. 

I also recently started seeing someone who has been nothing shy of amazing to me. and has handled my baggage super well. He doesn't judge me for my past and is so understanding. I can honestly say looking back on my life these last 2 years I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship as I have so much toxic baggage in my past.