Becoming a mom

This week I am choosing to write about something that has made me the person I am today. That’s becoming a mom!

 I found out I was pregnant on January 20th 2016 and cried like a baby I was so excited and nervous. When I Cody his only thing he had to say to me was “well that means you don’t have to buy tampons for 9 months!” I never laughed so hard to a reaction. My happiness was cut short as Cody was arrrwsted on January 27th and put in jail on a PO Hold. We announced our pregnancy on Valentine’s Day even though Cody was still in jail. I definitely was nervous he wouldn’t get out in time. He was give 6 months. Meaning he missed finding out the gender at the appointment. So instead of finding out I had them put it in an envelope on May 5th 2016. I scheduled a hair appointment to have blue or purple placed in my hair and invited my best friend to go with me to let her and the hair dresser find out before me. I was praying so hard for a boy. Cody called me when my hair was done and I still had no clue what I was having as I wanted to find out at the same time as him. When they turned the chair and I saw blue I cried and yelled at cody that it was a boy. I had a streak placed and hidden in my hair. I still waiting till June 10th to announce gender as I wanted to announce it with Cody. He was Released in June 9th. It was so hard not to post it on social media. I told very limited people just close friends and family knew. 

  I became a mom on September 21, 2016 to a handsome little man named Ryker Joseph Watzka! He was 7lb 7oz and 19 3/4 inches long. I was 4 days over due but also wanted him to have his own birthday as September is a popular month in my husbands family. I choose to be induced at 6 am. They got me settled started pitocin and nothing happened. Finally at about 1233pm they asked me if I preferred they broke my water or go home. Well I was already there so they broke my water. At 418 pm I felt so much pressure, but I absolutely refused to call the nurse because my gut told me that he would be born shortly after I started to push. There was no way I was having my son at 4:20 pm with the name Ryker. Lol 

  I gave up and called the nurse at like 4:25 pm because my best friend and husband said if I didn’t they would. Nurse told me it was normal and checked then called the Dr. right away as Ryker was about to enter the world. By 4:33 with 3 minutes of pushing Ryker was born. Absolutely beautiful baby boy. 

  The first 3 month flew by as I was a stay at home mom. Then I choose to go back to work as my husband was now unemployed. I was nursing so going back to work proved to be a challenge. I lived in Marion, my mom in shawano and I worked in Green Bay. My mom would watch Ryker the days my husband had interviews or the days he was working. So I would get up at 5 am every morning get ready for work. I had it pack my pump for work plus a lunch plus make sure I have extra shirts incase I didn’t get to pump in time. Then I would get Ryker ready. Back extra clothes plus milk plus formula just incase he didn’t do well with me not being around. 

  Within a month of going back to work I got severe ppd and was on the verge of suicide. I had never felt so alone and in such a dark place in my life. I felt like I was failing. I remember bawling as I pumped because I just felt like my life was crashing down. I was working 40-45 hours a week 2-3 hours of driving each day. So I was away from my son ove 60 hours a week. As a new mom I knew something had to give.  

  As I kept feeling worse and worse I honestly just knew I needed to get help before it got worse. So after I got done pumping I went into my bosses office sat down and explained to her what was going on and told her I scheduled an emergency appointment with my Dr. As I sat in her office I began to bawl even more. I never thought the suicidal thoughts were going to break me the way they did. My boss allowed me to pack up my things and leave for the rest of the week. 

  As I got to my drs office they had me fill out a survey to find out how my PPD was effecting me. They sat me down and called a counselor center and made me an emergency appointment and they removed my birth control to get rid of the excessive hormones. The counselor office had me lock my phone and my keys in a locker. Left me in a room that reminded me of an interrogation room. I knew that was not a place I wanted to be. After all I was a new mom so I knew I needed to get myself to get her and push through. 

  I knew I was not alone even though I felt so alone at the time. PPD was one of the hardest battles I have had to fight in order to watch my son become a big brother and little man. He literally saved my life and he doesn’t even know it. 

  Today he is 3 years old and is getting ready to start 3k in August. He is such a blessing in my life I will forever be grateful for the little man who came into my life. He is the little boy who showed me what love truly is. He is the little boy who saved my life!